The “Death Doula”

Death is an inevitable part of the life cycle- from plants to animals to humans- it surrounds us. Once you are born, you are doomed for a certain death. There is truth to the adage, “Only two things in life are certain: death and taxes.”  It is a topic many prefer not to anticipate or discuss. We don’t like to think about it, particularly the death of a beloved one. We may avoid discussing it, even as the elephant is undeniably in the room. We may avoid discussing it with a family member whose mortality may be creeping in, because we don’t want to disturb or upset them. But it is likely they are thinking about it very much.

 I’d heard of a birth and pregnancy doula, one who accompanies the birthing mother through the process, providing encouragement and support- filling in the gaps where the partner or child birthing team cannot. Last week, while listening to NPR when driving about for work, I heard an interview with a “death doula.” This was news to me, but as I listened, I became intrigued. It became clear that more people need to be educated on the topic and role of a death doula. 

 The interview was with Alua Arthur, an attorney turned death doula following a chance encounter with a woman who had terminal uterine cancer. Arthur was an unhappy attorney. “Up until then, I was just kind of waiting for my life to write itself without taking any action to make it so,” she says. “Thinking about my mortality, about my death, really created action.”

 Subsequently, Arthur founded Going with Grace, “an organization that supports people as they plan for the end of their lives.” It can also support the family. It’s not to replace hospice, but rather enhance hospice. I lost my husband unexpectedly in October 2021. It was the most gut wrenching, awful thing that has ever happened to me. Ever. I was grief struck for months, even years following his death. It was excruciatingly painful, and nothing, NOTHING, could take it away. It was something I had to work through on my own. Friends and family were there to support me but it remained a solo endeavor. Arthur mentions in her article that the bereaved don’t want anyone to take the grief away or wipe away the tears. Personally, I felt that my husband deserved my grief. The love that I had for him was worthy of this grief. I didn’t want to feel better. All these feelings need to be acknowledged by the bereaved person, along with a safe space to experience it. It is a big, robust, meaty, complex, layered process that must be experienced fully to move through and past it. If but nothing else, grief is an experiential process. 

 For the dying person, Arthur believes that a pending death brings life into focus, and that the dying person is purely livng life- “People are most human when they are dying. They are at their fullest. That means their best and their worst. I think as people are approaching the end, they are grieving as well.”

 Take a listen to the piece, review the website. Educate yourself. Have no regrets. Live every day as it was your last. Make amends. There are no guarantees, and none of us escape out of here alive. Make a living will and be sure that your loved ones know your wishes for the end of life. Be prepared. It just makes sense.